Resolutions That Will Never See the Light of Day by Janet Attard
Resolutions are nothing more than a wish list (or maybe a laundry list) of bad habits and shortcomings we'd like to change. That's why "lose weight," "exercise more" and "stop smoking" regularly soar to the top of the all-time resolution favorites charts.
But everyone knows that most resolutions are forgotten faster than they are made. So
instead of making resolutions to improve my business or personal life (and disappointing myself when I don't stick to them), I've made
the following laundry list of resolutions for other people, businesses and organizations.
Superstores
will resolve to hire enough cashiers so it doesn't take twice as long to
check out as it took to shop.
Supermarkets
will resolve to put bread, dairy and frozen foods near the front of the
store instead of at the furthest possible location from the entrance and
cashiers.
Women magazine
editors will resolve to stop running pictures of whipped-cream coated
desserts and cherry-topped, double-chocolate, raisin-nut brownies next to
the "Lose 10 Pounds in Two Weeks" headline on their front covers.
Holiday guests
will resolve to take home all the leftovers from fattening desserts and
treats they bring.
AOL will
include an easy-to-find option for permanently turning off the sound in the
ads that display on AIM.
Your spouse
will resolve to tell you what they really want for a gift instead of saying
"I don't know," "I don't need anything," or
"Surprise me."
Airlines will resolve not to
blame cancellations on the weather when there are no weather problems
anywhere along the flight path.
Airlines will admit the real
reason they are canceling the 2:30 flight and the 4:30 flight is so
they can save money by squeezing as many people as possible onto the 3:30
and 5:30 flights.
Computer peripheral manufacturers
will resolve to build machines that won't become obsolete in two years.
Hardware support representatives will
resolve to stop telling customers "It must be the software."
Software support representatives
will resolve to stop telling customers "It must be the hardware."
Both will resolve to stop
saying "It must be AOL" every time a line disconnects.
Webster's dictionary editors will
resolve to add the term "5 minutes" and define it as a period of
time that can last anywhere from one hour to half a day.
Printer manufacturers will
resolve to produce a printer that does envelopes without crumbling them,
making them look like they were run over by tire wheels or sealing them shut
as they print.
Airlines will resolve to
rearrange their seating so (a) your knees don't hit the seat in front of and
(b) you can open the cover of your notebook computer even if the person
sitting in front of you leans their seat back.
OSHA will resolve to require
all airlines that squeeze three seats in a row wide enough for two to post
confined space hazard warnings on the middle seat.
Computer "consultants"
and repair technicians resolve to return your calls after they've collected
their fee.
Businesses, hospitals, and
public buildings resolve to hang "no perfume" signs next to the
"no smoking" signs.
Telephone accessory manufacturers
resolve to make color-coded accessories so that when you have to unplug your
phone lines to move furniture or computers you can get them hooked up the
right way again in less than a week.
Cell phone manufacturers will
add a "Find Me" feature to phones. The feature will be voice
activated and respond with the words "over here" or "under
here" whenever the cell phone owner mutters "Where's my cell
phone," or other, unprintable variations of the same question.
Hardware and software
manufacturers resolve to include comprehensive paper manuals with their
products and make them big enough to find on a book shelf or in a file
drawer.
Consumers resolve to read and
follow the manual or instructions shipped with the product.
The phone company will resolve
to add a new service named Call Tattle-Tale which would alert callers that
the person they are calling really is in the office and able to take calls.
Job applicants will resolve
to learn how to spell and proofread.
Your spouse will resolve to
record all checks he/she writes in the check register at the time they are
written.
Stove manufacturers will
resolve to include instructions that warn: Do not operate while the Internet
is running.
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