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Previous: What's It Like To Be Your Customer? by Gayle Kesten Back in the '80s, my cousin had a fulfilling marketing career at a big-name financial management company. But the landscape changed when, back from maternity leave, she was assigned a new boss who turned out to be a witch on wheels. "She hated me for making more money, for having a child, for being happy, and she wasn't," my cousin recently recounted, now more than 15 years later. "She yelled at me in front of other people, undermined and took credit for my work, bad-mouthed me behind my back to her boss and other people -- basically at any juncture she could." Suffice to say, this woman did a number on my talented, dedicated, and model employee cousin's self-confidence. When she at last vowed to get the you-know-what out of there, a new position at a competing firm seemingly "fell out of the sky." "Even then, she made up a story that I was leaving to stay home with my daughter, not that I was taking another job," my cousin told me. Women. Being one, myself, I can attest that they can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It's a living, breathing issue, oftentimes referred to as "cattiness," which I believe downplays its seriousness and belittles our gender. It's not a problem reserved for big business, either; the most toxic environment I ever worked in was a 25-person -- nearly all female -- advertising agency. An article in The New York Times cites the impact of women bullying fellow women at work, citing a study by the Workplace Bullying Institute that found female bullies aim at other women more than 70 percent of the time. Leadership coach Peggy Klaus, who wrote the NYT article, also makes the point that the way women treat each other at the workplace could be the last obstacle to gender parity and career success. "Despite all the money spent annually on women's leadership conferences and professional development programs, you'd be hard-pressed to find a workshop on women mistreating one another at work," she says. "Don’t get me wrong: I'm a huge proponent of women’s leadership programs. But teaching career skills is not enough if we ignore one of the most important reasons for holding these events in the first place: learning to value one another so we can all get ahead." That's precisely why Angela Jia Kim, who I profiled last week, started her network for female entrepreneurs. And why Nell Merlino, who I wrote about last summer, launched the Make Mine a Million $ Business program for women-owned businesses. So with all that good will, why the cat claws? Klaus' cauldron of reasons for mistreatment include:
An article on the same topic in Pink magazine, which cites separate research from NYT but whose findings are strikingly similar, ticks off a few more factors for women behaving badly. They include feelings of insecurity and jealousy, lack of energy or burnout, and the temptation to pass judgment: "Whether it's how to dress (flats or 3-inch heels) or how to balance career and family (leave the office at 5 p.m. or stay late), more choice means more occasions to disagree, and it's tempting to judge others who make different decisions." In the end, though, who really cares about the why? We all want to work among women (and men) who hold us up, feed our confidence, and have our backs. How should you handle the opposite scenario? The Pink article offers up a handful of suggestions; so does this lighter eHow article. Really, though, I'm most interested to know your thoughts and observations, as well as the situations you've faced and how you've handled them. And if you're the mean girl, then do the rest of us a favor and commit the Meow Pledge to memory. Posted on January 27, 2009 at 11:06 AM | Comments (10)Comments You mean you can’t type between contractions? :) Thanks for sharing — you are right, you’ve topped all the stories I’ve heard! Posted by: Gayle Kesten on January 29, 2009 at 1:35 PM Girls can be rough and caddy, especially in the work place. Even though female equality in the working world has been around for a long time now, I still think in the back of a woman’s head she feels threatened and must be competitive to keep her place, i guess which is true for anyone. Plus, what would a work place be without drama? Just be careful what you say to people. Posted by: Click and Inc on January 29, 2009 at 2:54 PM The labor story does top the list. Here’s my short, sad little story. My big-boned, overweight, overbearing female boss was constantly complaining about her weight and dieting. I ordered and brought in a before/after poster of people who had completed a fitness challenge. I thought it would motivate her and help her achieve her goals. I proudly and excitedly presented it to her and she and her fellow-employee girlfriend verbally ripped me to shreds, you know, the cross-cutter kind of shreds where nothing recognizable is left. That was the beginning of the end. I have since moved on. Posted by: Michelle Hill on January 29, 2009 at 3:31 PM The behaviour must be contagious. I had a bully boss and after she finally left I felt like I was saved. My work buddy took over the position and I thought things would be amazing since we had discussed at great detail how things would work more efficiently and with less stress if the bully was gone. After it became reality though my work buddy took all her new power and morphed into an even worse b@#$h. She became controlling and dominant and micro-managed everything. The power can really affect people I guess. Posted by: Been There on January 29, 2009 at 10:33 PM What do you do about a caddy boss that does your merit increase based on how you play her “I am god” game as opposed to how you do your job? Posted by: mureen nuss on January 31, 2009 at 5:46 PM Sorry if this won’t tune in with the rest of you, but I see this as a purely feminist problem. Click and inc got it pretty much to the point - women bosses are working their legs off to prove themselves worthy, especially over male colleagues. Whenever I work in corporate environment, it’s almost always the case. Posted by: Vlad (Small Business Blog) on March 25, 2009 at 3:56 PM I know this is WAY late. But I jusr came across this post. My yound sister went through an experience similar to your cousin’s - a very mean, controlling and imposing female boss. It’s a shame really that this sort of thing happens. One would think that females would look out for each other and not claw at each other! Interesting piece - thank you. Posted by: Nikki May | Copywriting Services on September 24, 2010 at 5:08 AM It is really sad that bullying happens, not just at school, but also in the workplace. Those are pretty good reasons why there are mean girls at work and I think most of the time it’s the first reason. Those in higher position are afraid of being replaced and that is why they can do a lot of bad things to their employees. Posted by: Natalie Loopbaanadvies on December 6, 2010 at 1:16 PM I agree with Natalie. Some employees tend to be mean, especially to those under them, because they are afraid that they would be replaced by them. Being mean would do you no good. People would realize how bad you are and may decide not to be friends with you. You have to accept that some people may be better than you and if you don’t want to be replaced, you just have to think of ways to show that you still deserve that position. Posted by: Maria Payroll on January 5, 2011 at 2:55 PM |
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Mean Girls At Work
I can totally top the mean female boss story.
The morning I went into labor with our first child, I called in to let my manager know that I was in labor and would not be in that day. Her response back was “Are you in so much pain you can’t come in? I have a breakfast appointment!”
This child was an unprepared home birth, long story, however upon my return from maternity leave, she was no longer my manager, or anywhere near management level. She had complained to the president of the company that I was not able to come in due to being labor. Thank goodness the president was a very compassionate man and enjoyed telling the story ending with my home birth delivery in manager training speeches.
Posted by: Lori on January 29, 2009 at 11:57 AM