So here are four tips on "what to say when you don't know what to say." They
worked well for me during more than two decades in management. They still do now
that I am an entrepreneur.
First: When you approach a person in trouble, realize that
you may not have to say anything that's creative and memorable. Sometimes,
words may not even be necessary at all. Just your presence says enough. The fact
that you show up conveys a powerful message itself. While others allow their
timidity to keep them away from an uncomfortable setting, you have arrived with
friendship and support.
Consider this: Chances are good that the person you visit may
not remember your exact comments after you leave. More importantly, though, they
will remember that you came to the hospital, funeral home, or residence.
Second: Show up primarily as a listener, not a talker.
Usually a troubled person needs to talk about the situation, more than you might
guess.
To illustrate, picture yourself at a funeral home during
visitation with a woman whose husband has died. For the bereaved, good memories
are suddenly more important than ever, because those memories prolong the life
of the deceased. Encourage the flow of memories. Here's how:
"I know you two traveled a lot. What were your favorite vacation
spots?"
"I've never heard. . .tell me how you two met."
"Your husband was known for his community service. What
charitable cause meant the most to him?"
With prompters like those, you will generate thoughts of
earlier, happier times. Listen attentively, and indicate occasionally that you
want the person to keep talking: "I'm glad to know your children live nearby.
Any grandchildren?"
Third: Offer practical, specific help. Yes, distressed
people welcome "Call me if you need me" or "If there's anything I can do, let me
know." Even so, you shift to a higher level when you move beyond generalities.
"While the shop is repairing your car, want to car pool with
me?"
"With you spending so much time at the hospital, would you like
the children to stay a couple of nights at my house?"
"What if I come to the nursing home one day next week, so you
can go out for lunch?"
Fourth: Check back with your burdened friend within ten days.
A traditional response pattern has dozens of people dropping by immediately
for the first two or three days of a catastrophe, then disappearing because they
have paid their respects. Loneliness, fear, and sorrow grow when silence starts.
Your return presence will bring special meaning.
Reconsider these four suggestions again:
-
The words you choose are far less significant than the power
of your presence.
-
Get your colleague to talk about the problem while you
listen intently.
-
Offer specific, practical help.
-
Check back within ten days after the initial bad news.
Not really that difficult, is it? So avoid muttering, "I
wouldn't know what to say," follow these guidelines, and you will enrich the
relationships you have been building.
Bill Lampton, Ph.D.--author of The Complete Communicator: Change Your Communication-change Your Life!
-- helps organizations "Learn More. . .Earn More" through his speeches,
seminars, and coaching. Visit his Web site:
http://www.ChampionshipCommunication.com Call Dr. Lampton: 678-316-4300
How
to Talk With People in Desperate Situations
