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Holiday Survival Guide
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Why the
Holidays are the “I have a job that others in my field would do anything to get, and a family that loves me. I live in a nicer house than I ever thought I would. But it feels like there’s a hole in my life. A hole that is sucking all the good parts of my life down into it.” This is how one of my clients described his situation when he first found me. There are a growing number of adults who are fully employed, living what their acquaintances and neighbors assume to be a great life, even an enviable life. Yet they are deeply dissatisfied. And the holidays is the time they notice it the most. Rather than drink more than usual, or keep yourself excessively busy (both common ways of coping with feelings of dissatisfaction this time of year,) why not use your uncomfortable feelings to your advantage? The holidays are the ideal time of year to review what is missing and make some changes. And that can turn a miserable holiday season into one that is hopeful and promising. And memorable. You may even inspire others around you to make some changes in their lives. Here are some tips to examine your life and put your discomfort to good use: 1. The first thing to do is to make sure you're dissatisfied and not depressed. Symptoms of clinical depression include: not enjoying activities that you usually do, sleeping either too much or too little, feeling overly guilty and/or worthless, and believing that nothing could help you feel better. The latter is very common, but misleading, since depression is extremely treatable. Once you get help for the depression (which may include medication and should include psychotherapy,) come back to this list, which will be much more helpful at that point. 2. Take advantage of being more in touch with your feelings of dissatisfaction during the holidays. One problem people have with reviewing their lives is they are too busy to acknowledge their feelings, so they can’t study them. Pay attention to how you feel, and what triggers these feelings. Take notes in a journal and after you have made a couple of weeks of entries, look for any patterns in the triggers or feelings. Many of us can use some of our vacation time this time of year. Don’t fill in that time with keeping busy. Instead, use it to reflect. Read books that help you understand what you’re going through (email me for some recommendations.) Unwind and spend time with your family, and by yourself. Get out of your schedule, and find your own NATURAL schedule, as if you were on vacation in some remote island. 3. Think about what a meaningful life looks like. Our society worships celebrities, no matter how ridiculously they attained their notoriety. Think about people whose lives you respect that are NOT distracted or tainted by fame and fortune, but those that really love what they do and would do it no matter what the reward or lack thereof. It sounds corny (and a little morbid), but one way to identify what a meaningful life should look like for YOU is to think about what you wish your obituary would say. What kind of a person do you wish you were, and how would that come across in the DETAILS of how you spend your DAILY LIFE? What do you hope to teach your children, or others who look up to you, by EXAMPLE only? 4. Take your time. You can’t insert meaning into your life on a schedule, but asking the right questions is the way to start. Question your assumptions about what you are working toward, and try to reach for higher values than earning a certain dollar amount each year, or assuming you should decorate your house like Martha Stewart. The longer you can tolerate the frustration, and anxiety, of not knowing the answers you are searching for, the more profound and interesting your answers will eventually be. If you just grab at the first thing that pops into your mind and hunt it down like prey, you will settle for something that isn’t worthy of the time and energy you will invest. 5. Make some plans. Once you feel a certain amount of momentum building, decide how you will make some changes in your DAY TO DAY life. Will you add a contemplative morning walk or meditation to your schedule? Will you exercise a little each day? Will you get 8 hours of sleep each night? Will you play with your kids the minute you get home from work, and really lose yourself in having fun with them? Start your list when you feel the time is right, and think about how to create new habits that will become part of your life in the near future. 6. Picture this. "It’s A Wonderful Life" is sure to be on TV any day now, and you’ve probably seen it a few times. Create a personalized version of the film in your own mind, with a small difference. What will your life look like if you DON’T change now? Will your kids grow up without beautiful memories of spending time having fun with you every day? Will your spouse rarely feel that you are devoting your full attention to them for more than a few seconds each day? Will your dog live a lonely life in the backyard without anyone to draw out his personality and let him live to his potential? Will a group of people show up at your funeral who felt that you were nice, but that they never really had a chance to get to know you? Or worse, will your own family feel that way? Now that you have created the scenes in your mind that have prompted you to think about these issues, picture the future AFTER you've made some changes. Your kids eagerly await your arrival home, and love you not just because you’re their parent, but because you are fun to be with. And because you teach them by example and within the context of the relationship, not by lecturing. Your pets are part of your family, which is also a blessing to your children, since they learn to love others that depend completely on their being responsible and loving. Your spouse doesn’t wonder if you love her, but feels it in the way you look at her and in your hug when you leave in the morning. And she loves the way you interact with the children and pets, and your kindness to others that come into your life. You aren’t too tired to do what you need to do, but instead have the energy to be the kind of parent, partner, and person you knew you could be when you first graduated high school, got married, or found out you were going to have a baby. The holidays are the perfect time to reflect on what you have in your life, and on what is missing. And what is missing for most of us isn’t something that can be found on a store shelf or catalog. It’s meaning and a feeling of peace that we are on the right path to becoming who we really are deep down. This is how an unhappy beginning to the holidays can be the start of wonderful memories in the years ahead. Let me know what you think! Leslie Godwin, MFCC is a Career & Life-Transition Coach, Writer, and Speaker. She publishes a free email newsletter on career and life transition. For information, email godwinpss@aol.com and mention that you'd like to be on the email newsletter list. |
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